Double Impact

(Note: This post will not be about the similarly named 1991 film featuring Jean-Claude Van Damme)

I’m generally pretty happy with my status as a thoughtful consumer. Most of the time I buy what I need, when I need it, and I’m usually not a sucker for silly marketing gimmicks. When it comes time to buy personal hygiene products, however, this all changes.

I don’t know what my problem is. I can identify the useless bells and whistles, and, even though I know they’re largely, if not completely ineffective, they always manage to sell me. I haven’t bought a toothbrush that doesn’t pulsate and require a battery in at least three years. I don’t even know if I could use my Colgate Oxygen Bubbles Extreme Clean toothpaste on a basic toothbrush anymore. Perhaps worst of all are my buying habits for deodorant and shower needs. I can proudly say I was once turned off from buying an Old Spice scent called “swagger” because of the inherent douchiness of such a nomenclature. Apart from that, however, I have exhibited less restraint.

Case and point: yesterday I went to CVS to buy some new body wash. I could have gone with a normal soap that smelled good and provided simple cleaning. Instead, a fancy Old Spice Red Zone bottle caught my eye. With features like “Advanced Cleaning,” “Advanced Hydration,” and “NEW!” I could hardly resist. So, I bought “Double Impact,” the product’s stupid name (maybe I’m the douche). What I didn’t realize was that the blue bottle (which looks like one of those glass bottles filled with colorful sand, if you replaced the sand with radioactive Cookie Monster vomit) was actually the stuff I would be cleaning my body with. So, this morning I lathered myself with the chalky, not-particularly-good-smelling, abnormally-blue paste (yes, paste) and exited the shower feeling no cleaner or more hydrated than before. In the end, the only double impact I got was spending extra money AND feeling like an ass. Fail.