In case you were wondering…

You may have heard about this but just to recap, last week in New Jersey, federal officials arrested over 40 people– including New Jersey statesmen and the mayor of Hoboken– in conjunction with an FBI case that alleges counts of political corruption, money laundering between the U.S. and Israel, and human organ trafficking, all supposedly masterminded by a bunch of rabbis.

Ok, first I have to ask: is it wrong that I think this is funny? I mean, honestly. Rabbis. I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious.

Anyway, the reason I mention all of this to you is that today, NPR ran a followup story. What did they talk about, you ask? Oh, they interviewed a former CIA and Treasury agent to explore one key question: “How does one launder money”

If you weren’t laughing before, you have got to be now. NPR wants to make sure you know how it’s done, folks. How just… considerate… of them. Mmmm.

The hilarity of the premise aside, I actually learned something from the story and so, in case you were wondering, I thought I’d do a quick How-to on money laundering. Hopefully I, like NPR, can go down in history for civic responsibility; as a good samaritan that aided civilians in their daily endeavors. Like crime.

How to Launder Money

Step 1: Placement

Here, you can do one of two things. You can either hire a truckload of workers to deposit small amounts of cash in different banks, or you can open a cash-intensive front business (think like the restaurant or laundromat type), and add small amounts of dirty cash in with business revenues.

Step 2: Layering

Now that your money is in the banking system, you have to move it around. After all, the authorities aren’t going to believe that the owners of an ice cream parlor are sitting on $2 million of savings. Transfer the dirty stuff into an account off shore. Your best bets would be Switzerland or the Cayman Islands.

Step 3: Integration

Go to Neiman Marcus. Get yourself a treat. I mean, obviously you deserve it.

I hope that was helpful. If you’re curious you can go have a listen to the NPR feature here, and read the Washington Post’s original coverage of the story here.

Classin’ it up.

So as anyone who knows me can attest, I am a food snob. I love high quality food and gourmet cuisine more than old people love Buicks. At the same time, though, it is duly noted that I have an incorrigable affinity for macaroni and cheese. And  I’m not talking fettucini alfredo or conchiglie with a béchamel sauce.

I’m talking really bad macaroni and cheese. Offensively horrible shit like Velveeta, Kraft Deluxe and the Cheesiest. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is something just so delightfully simple, satisfying and processed about the whole genre and, honestly, it gets depressing to put consistent effort into cooking for one person. 

As a (mostly) college graduate, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is no longer socially acceptable to make anything that involves cheese sauce from a pouch. So, going completely against my deep seeded hatred of “Semi-Homemade” with Sandra Lee, I’ve been doing something  a little classier than Velveeta, while at the same time maintaining the convenience and ease of the boxed product:

Grab a box of Annie’s Shells & White Cheddar (the other varieties aren’t as good.. I don’t know why, just trust me on this one), a 1/3 cup of plain yogurt (I like nonfat greek strained varieties like FAGE 0% and Oikos), and a tablespoon of milk (I do nonfat here as well). While your shells are cooking, mix the powdered cheese sauce with the yogurt and milk until its well blended. Then when the shells are al dente, strain them, toss them with your sauce, and you have yourself a meal or two. Pie easy. 

Not something I’d ever recommend in the light of day, but honestly, between you and me, it’s awesome.