You may have heard about this but just to recap, last week in New Jersey, federal officials arrested over 40 people– including New Jersey statesmen and the mayor of Hoboken– in conjunction with an FBI case that alleges counts of political corruption, money laundering between the U.S. and Israel, and human organ trafficking, all supposedly masterminded by a bunch of rabbis.
Ok, first I have to ask: is it wrong that I think this is funny? I mean, honestly. Rabbis. I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious.
Anyway, the reason I mention all of this to you is that today, NPR ran a followup story. What did they talk about, you ask? Oh, they interviewed a former CIA and Treasury agent to explore one key question: “How does one launder money”
If you weren’t laughing before, you have got to be now. NPR wants to make sure you know how it’s done, folks. How just… considerate… of them. Mmmm.
The hilarity of the premise aside, I actually learned something from the story and so, in case you were wondering, I thought I’d do a quick How-to on money laundering. Hopefully I, like NPR, can go down in history for civic responsibility; as a good samaritan that aided civilians in their daily endeavors. Like crime.
How to Launder Money
Step 1: Placement
Here, you can do one of two things. You can either hire a truckload of workers to deposit small amounts of cash in different banks, or you can open a cash-intensive front business (think like the restaurant or laundromat type), and add small amounts of dirty cash in with business revenues.
Step 2: Layering
Now that your money is in the banking system, you have to move it around. After all, the authorities aren’t going to believe that the owners of an ice cream parlor are sitting on $2 million of savings. Transfer the dirty stuff into an account off shore. Your best bets would be Switzerland or the Cayman Islands.
Step 3: Integration
Go to Neiman Marcus. Get yourself a treat. I mean, obviously you deserve it.
tweedle dee tweedle dom 